Sit down

On that Monday night, when Mike came home after taking Sean back to his mom’s house, he took me by the hand and led me to the couch. “Let’s sit down,” he said. He told me what was bothering him, how he felt worthless and hopeless. I did my best to reassure him. I held him.  I told him how much I loved him.

The emptiness in his eyes scared me. I know that haunted look all too well, and it speaks of a dark, dark place. But he’d been to that dark place before and always come back to me.

I didn’t want to go to work the next day, didn’t want to leave him. But he got up, got dressed, made me tea. He hugged and kissed me, and he said, “Don’t worry about me today. Go to work and don’t worry. I’m going to work.” And he did work on a sculpture all that day — I saw the results of his work when I got home. He was still working on it that evening, and we talked a little. I thought he seemed to feel a little brighter. I had no idea it was our last night together.

Looking back on it, I see the sign that I missed in the moment. In the six years we were together, we had most of our deepest conversations either lying in bed in the dark or standing in the kitchen, each with a drink in our hand. Sometimes we stood talking in the kitchen for hours, never bothering to move into the living room where we could sit in comfort.

Only once before had he EVER prefaced a conversation by asking me to sit down: the day he had to give me the news that my father had died.  When he led me to the couch on Monday night, he knew what he was telling me… even though I didn’t.


~ by hourbeforedawn on March 19, 2010.

4 Responses to “Sit down”

  1. this is heartbreaking lira. i’ m so sorry… you couldn’t have known…

  2. Aarti’s right, you couldn’t have known. And like Sheila said, you may feel by yourself, but you’re not alone. We’re here for you as much as possible.

  3. there IS no way for you to have known. you were there for him just like we are for you. thank you for sharing sweetie. xxx

  4. […] “SIT DOWN” ( […]

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