Spring, like it or not

Yesterday I met a friend for lunch. We were sitting on the patio and it was a beautiful day. I commented that I hadn’t minded the cold, gray days for a week following Mike’s death. That weather felt appropriate. The cloudless blue skies, warm weather, air redolent with spring flowers and bird song… it all feels like a mockery of my grief. How dare spring come and life begin anew when my love’s life is ended?

Last night I had a dream that I was at a big Spring Equinox festival. I was part of a court, dressed in Renaissance type costumes, playing the part of the May Queen or something like that. Lots of friends from our improv theater were there, and Mike was with me at the beginning. He was wearing a red silk pirate shirt and kept touching my arm or my shoulder. We were smiling and laughing.

Then there was a somber element introduced as another group challenged us in a ritual fashion. It was part of the pageantry, but it also felt like a real threat. Suddenly Mike was gone. I couldn’t find him in the crowd. There was an explosion and we were all running through the streets and up a hill to safety.

Then one of our theater friends, a young single guy, was wearing the red shirt and playing the role of my counterpart in the pageant. I saw him when I got to the top of the hill and wanted to take refuge in his arms, but I made myself stand tall and watch the flames.

Someone put a tiny bunch of delicate white and yellow spring flowers into my hand. I didn’t want to take them and almost asked “Why me?” But then I remembered that it was my role, my job as the May Queen to tend to and welcome the Spring.

And so life goes on, whether we like it or not. And under the weight of grief and sorrow, a part of me is trusting that one day, when I’m ready, spring will come again for me.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on March 25, 2010.

6 Responses to “Spring, like it or not”

  1. Darling Lira… now you can pick flowers for yourself and Mike. ((((love to you)))))

  2. a symbol..that even when we think we cant go on…life DOES go on..and children grow up and seasons change…and even in time…our hearts heal…
    i am so completely honoring you lira…

  3. this is beautiful lira! you made me think about why i love spring. and i suppose it’s because spring always spells hope to me — that there is a season for everything, and that while winter is a necessary part of the year, it’s not the end… even the most lifeless, sad trees can blossom again.

  4. What a beautiful piece!

  5. Beautiful post. I am glad to “meet you” , but I’m sorry that widowhood is what brought us together. Hang in there, and ((hugs))

  6. Such a beautiful entry Lira, i agree… I don’t know what to say, just want you to know that I am reading everything you share and thinking of you — keeping you close to my heart every day.

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