In a fog

I traveled home yesterday in a fog, and the half a Xanax tablet that I washed down with a glass of wine on the plane was only partly to blame. I woke up that way, after a nightmare in which Mike had been unsuccessful in his first suicide attempt. He was still with me, but I was very worried about him… and then when I was busy with friends or something, he tried it again… this time successfully, and it was worse than what really happened. In the nightmare, I was the one finding his body, trying frantically to save him… and there was so much blood…

As a result, all day yesterday nothing felt real. It seemed like Mike’s death was something that had happened in a dream, and a part of me half expected him to be there when I got home… to be working on one of his guitars and to welcome me with a big hug and a long kiss. I had to keep telling myself, over and over, Mike is dead. He’s not going to be there.

This is all a nightmare, and I just want to wake up. Please?

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~ by hourbeforedawn on March 30, 2010.

One Response to “In a fog”

  1. Dear Lira, I know the feeling that you talk about. I expect to awake and discover that it is all a big mistake. I long to hear his voice.

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