It’s the little things

This afternoon I watched a  Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD, and I was reminded of the episode where Buffy’s mother dies suddenly and unexpectedly.  Anya, a formerly immortal ex-demon, is having a hard time fully grasping the concept of death. Her soliloquy ends with this line:

“And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she’ll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why.”

And that’s what it’s like. It’s the little things that get me. I was getting potato chips out of the pantry and saw two big bags of the red rice Mike liked. I started to cry because I don’t know how to cook it.  And I’m eating the potato chips and it hits me that Mike will never again eat potato chips… or drink margaritas… or use all my hair spray. And it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I can’t shake the feeling of unreality. This is something that happens on TV, in the movies, in books. The heroine’s tragic loss of her husband… it’s the crisis at the beginning of act three. It isn’t supposed to happen in real life.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on April 2, 2010.

3 Responses to “It’s the little things”

  1. oh Lira, I’m thinking of you sweet girl. if there’s anything I can do, please let me know:)

  2. it doesn’t seem real to me either. but perhaps… this is the crisis in act one… and the rest of the film is about your journey to a place of peace… i am praying that you get there soon. (hugs)

  3. I am 2 years in to being a widow. It truly isn’t getting any easier. I wish, wish, wish that I had some answers, insights to share. I am searching for meaning. I am at this moment trying to set up a blog myself in this effort.

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