What’s the point?

Last night I dreamed about Mike. We were lying in bed, in each other’s arms, and I could FEEL him holding me. I snuggled against his shoulder and said, “I miss you so much!” Then I woke up. I wanted so badly to go back to my dream, to return to a place where Mike and I could hold each other, I probably would have stayed in bed all morning if it weren’t for my job.

I’m haunted by a sense of futility today. Five weeks ago I had a future I was working toward. I had a new business with my husband, and this temp job was just a means to an end — keeping the bills paid while we pursued our creative dreams. We were looking forward to moving out of our crappy neighborhood and into the kids’ school district. I loved my life.

On March 3, my plans, my dreams, my LIFE came crashing down around me. Everything I’d worked for and dreamed of these past six years, gone in an instant. Walking back into the office on Monday, for the first time since Mike shot himself, I looked at my desk and thought, “This is where I was when I got the call. This is where I was when my world stopped.”

I’m back at the office, going through the motions of being a productive employee, but I keep wondering… What’s the point? I’m just doing time, adrift on a sea of grief with no land in sight. I try to focus on goals like taking the kids to Colorado for a summer vacation or finding a new apartment, but today even those seem meaningless. I can’t even think about the future, at least not past the next three or four months. Beyond that it’s just one big blank. I guess I just have to keep getting up every day, going to work, serving time until I turn some corner and a new future reveals itself.

But honestly, today I just don’t see the point.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on April 7, 2010.

8 Responses to “What’s the point?”

  1. hold on lira. i can never think of anything worthy to write because it always sounds trite. i can’t imagine how you feel, my mind can’t even go there. argh i have a lump in my throat and i am work too. i admire you for sharing these thoughts and pray for the day when you can turn that corner. just know i am thinking of you with love…love L

  2. I too have no idea what to say, and can’t for the life of me imagine everything that your going through. All I can say is that – as someone who is constantly frustrated by a seemingly never-ending search for a partner & soulmate – I’m also often surprised by the small pleasures life can bring regardless. I believe that in time, you too will find pleasure in the little things again. I too pray for the day when you turn that corner, and I believe that you will…with love, Elena

  3. I’ll respond to the dream part of this entry. I have a few dreams where I can FEEL my mom hugging me.. or talking to me… hold onto those dreams, honey. It may be painful at first, but it may be a comfort in time.
    As for going back to work – I think you are soooo strong. Give yourself lots of credit, my sweet Lira. Take it one day at a time and lean on your support network. And this blog. Much love.

  4. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My beloved left me on Jan 25, 2008, seems like last week. I know so very well all the feelings you describe – I live them every day also. My kids aren’t at home any more, and they will “make” you do what you have to do. I don’t think you can expect anything more of yourself, yet the pain feels so futile! When you realize at times that absolutely nothing you say, nothing you do, no amount of tears that you shed changes one iota of our hell of a reality. I have no answers as I’ve found no magic bullet myself. I’m thinking all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. I have had a couple dreams as you described – it felt so real until my eyes opened. I know there’s a good reason, but I cannot understand why he doesn’t come to me and help me thru this. Is my grief too thick for his higher vibration being to get to me? Too many questions, no real answers.

    Arlene G.

  5. (((Lira))) ~ I know it probably sounds like a cliche to get through “one day at a time,” but I think it might help to remember that in those moments that are overwhelming. Sometimes it’s an hour, sometimes it’s a minute, and I imagine that sometimes it’s even seconds…
    Sending lots of love to you, and lots of beautiful dreams with Mike, too…

  6. I think if you keep on going one day at a time, eventually you’ll see the point. Although it may be small at first. Sending love (((((you))))

    Toni (kamper)

  7. just crying. but wanted you to know I was here.

  8. Some day, you will find a point again, and chase dreams again. Just keep getting through minute by minute right now. Lots of love.

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