The day the music died

Apologies for my several days of silence. I know some of you have been wondering where I am and if I’m OK. I’ve been dealing with a lot of difficult stuff re: finances and Mike’s estate, which I can’t blog about… and I haven’t known what else to say.

It’s very quiet in the apartment today. It’s too quiet here most days now, except when the neighbors are being annoyingly loud. Our home was always filled with music when Mike was here. I miss listening to him play guitar  (or bass or cello) while I was writing or just doing household chores. And when he was working on a sculpture or assembling a new guitar, he was usually listening to music.

The music died for me when he did. I can’t bring myself to listen to any of the songs he used to play. Music in general is dangerous for me, an emotional minefield where I never know which song will blow me apart.

For the first few days, I couldn’t bear to listen to ANY music. Even muzak in the grocery store made me want to scream. And then for a couple of weeks all I played was Alice in Chains – the “Dirt” CD over and over and over. The pain in the music gave voice to the unbearable pain inside me and helped me let a little of it out.

Slowly, little by little, I’m getting music back.  In the last week, I’ve found that I can listen to Pink Floyd, one of Mike’s favorite bands, when I’m in the right state of mind.  Yesterday while driving I put on Green Day, and that was OK. Maybe today I’ll try filling the silence with Peter Gabriel, always one of both of our favorite artists. If it gets to be too much, I can always go back to Alice in Chains.


~ by hourbeforedawn on April 18, 2010.

6 Responses to “The day the music died”

  1. that makes total sense to me. I associate movies…music…places-with people and experiences and know that there have been times when I couldn’t watch/listen/visit because I had lost someone/something that I associated with them. Sending you love and comfort…

  2. You’re right, sometimes I also feel the music died when he did. Some days I can smile while I play the CDs and cassette tapes of music that he played or wrote over the years. Today, however, is a bad day and I can’t listen to any music either that doesn’t make me cry, especially his CDs and tapes that he shared with us. Hugs to you for always finding the words to express your thoughts and feelings.

  3. Music was very important to my sweetie and me as well; it’s how we became friends, really. It took a few weeks, I think, before I could listen to any music at all. Half of my collection had been his originally, and even on the radio, all the break-up songs hit me where I was barely living. I couldn’t even touch the guitar he helped me learn to play.

    It came back in time, and most of the time, is a dear reminder. You will get there, too. Hugs.

  4. Dear Lira, I know the pain also. For Gerry and I it is all the little memories of Michael that surround us in our home. I can’t go into my workshop because there is one of his creature models waiting for repair. I am trying to build up to working with his childhood home movies. They will decay over time and I can’t allow that to happen. Gerry and I spoke to members of our church this past Sunday. It was so difficult to get up in front of everyone and say what was in our hearts. Our message was be kind to one another, tell your family that they are loved and cherished just because they exist and not for any accomplishments. Forgive everyone everything! We love and cherish you!
    I recall a line from a song that states, “God is watching!”

  5. Lira, I completely understand, music is so meaningful and moving to the artists who create it. I know some people listen just because it sounds good, but I’ve always really connected with lyrics, melodies and how they create an emotion together… I’m glad to hear that you are slowly bringing music back into your life — the day will come you can listen to more and more, but there will always be tunes that are bittersweet to you.

  6. The music might have changed, but hopefully someday you can listen to some of the music you shared together without the pain it brings now. (((you)))

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