Our anniversary

Today is our first wedding anniversary.  It’s unbelievable that he isn’t here to celebrate it with me.  Today of all days we should have awakened together, made love before we got out of bed… It should have been a day full of “I love yous” and spontaneous hugs and kisses, exchanging cards, dinner at our favorite  nice restaurant where we celebrated every special occasion.

Instead I woke up alone, as I always do now. My heart is so heavy, my whole body aches with the grief of being alone on this day, of all days.  He wasn’t even in my dreams last night.

I’ve made plans so that I won’t be alone all day. I have a friend coming by this afternoon, and a few others coming this evening to cook dinner with me, drink wine, watch the wedding DVD.  There will undoubtedly be some tears, but also laughter. I know it will be good to have them here.  I’m grateful for their friendship and support.  But it’s not how I should have spent this day.

A year ago today, I woke up in a hotel room where I’d spent a rare night away from Mike, observing the old tradition of not seeing one another before the wedding.  I treated myself to room service, then a massage at a spa.  I sipped wine while my girlfriends did my hair and makeup for the wedding.

And when I stood at the entrance to the chapel, as the first notes of “You Are So Beautiful” began to play, my brother offered me his arm to walk me down the aisle and whispered, “Get ready to cry.” Mike and I looked at each other, locked eyes across the room, and he started to sing.  It was a surprise for me — I thought we were using the Joe Cocker recording — and only my brother and perhaps one or two others knew that Mike planned to sing me down the aisle. It was beautiful and perfect, and I didn’t cry.  I was so full of joy, there was no room for tears.

I have never felt so loved, so cherished, so CHOSEN as I did that day.  I have never loved someone more than I loved Mike on the day that he became my husband. We had written our own vows, and mine ended with these words. “And I promise that I will always love you as much as I do right now.”

That’s a promise I know that I can still keep. Happy anniversary, my dearest love. I’m holding you close in my heart today.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on April 24, 2010.

4 Responses to “Our anniversary”

  1. Beautiful post, Lira. What a day for you. Such emotions. I am glad you will not be alone…. and yet I know that when you are alone, you will pay homage to your greatest love. I know he is right with you. I send you peace and love. Lisa.

  2. You’re in my heart today and always, honey. I have thought of your frequently today.

  3. that was such a beautiful day… i remember how he looked at you while he was singing. i remember feeling like it was such an intimate moment between you two, that i shouldn’t have been there, and yet i was so happy that i was because it was a glimpse into both your souls, that i had never seen before. thank you for allowing bren and i to be part of that day. praying for you hard today.

  4. Dear Lira, I remember very clearly Michael singing to you as you came down the aisle. I thought at that moment what love he must have for you to open his heart in that manner. Such a beautiful present for his soulmate. We love you so much!

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