The day after

I survived a very difficult day yesterday, with a lot of help from friends. Tanya came over for the afternoon and offered to take me to lunch. After some thought, I decided to go to Kisho, the sushi restaurant where we celebrated Mike’s birthday every year. We broke tradition this year because Mike’s parents  were visiting, and we wanted to take them to our other favorite restaurant, Cafe Bizou — where we’ve gone to celebrate our anniversary (of our first date) each year and most of my birthdays.  The way everything got turned around this year, it felt right to have  sushi at Kisho on our wedding anniversary.

More friends came over for the evening. We all cooked dinner together, drank lots of wine, shared lots of laughs. We gave each other foot massages. I was doing really well, actually enjoying myself. But there was something I knew I had to do, a ritual act that felt hugely important for me. I had to watch our wedding video.

It was exquisitely painful to watch, sometimes comforting but mostly heartbreaking. I started to cry at the beginning of the ceremony, and the tears didn’t stop until it was over. The hardest parts to watch were the toasts to “happily ever after” and our first dance.  My friends held my hands and cried with me. I’m so grateful for their presence and support. I’m grateful for such wonderful memories with Mike, for the perfect fairy tale wedding we got to have. But reliving them ripped off the scab that was just beginning to form over this gaping wound… and today I feel raw, exposed, and sore.

I’ve kept myself busy today cleaning up the kitchen, doing dishes and laundry, taking out the garbage. It was a good distraction, gave me a little breather from intense emotions — along with the illusion of having some control over the wreck of my life.  But I’m too tired to keep up that pace all day, too tired to keep struggling not to feel.

This sucks.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on April 25, 2010.

5 Responses to “The day after”

  1. (((((((((((Lira)))))))))))

  2. You dont know me, but I wanted to let you know your words do not fall on deaf ears out here. You are truly in my thoughts as you are going thru this difficult time.

  3. We are with you! Love, Mom and Dad Curry

  4. ((Lira)) Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you & I think you’re amazing.

  5. (((((((Lira))))) Always thinking about you and holding you in my thoughts. I’m glad you had friends with you.

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