Trying to enjoy life again

I went out last night to hear a friend sing at an intimate little club in Hollywood. Great music, wine, hanging with friends… a few tears during the love songs (I should have been prepared for that), but it was OK. I stayed for a couple of hours after her set was over, talking with one friend and listening to the other bands – both quite good, though I confess I was more interested in the conversation at that point. I had a really good time.

At my Monday night support group, a woman who lost her husband six months ago shared a startling realization that she had enjoyed a small moment with her grandson – the first time she could recall actually enjoying anything since her husband’s suicide. Another woman, widowed over a year ago, talked about how she has yet to regain any enthusiasm for life. She spends time with friends, does the things she once enjoyed, but she doesn’t get any real pleasure out of it.

I’ve been thinking about those women today. They are 6-12 months further down this path than I am but still struggling to find even small moments of happiness. It makes me feel a little guilty for enjoying myself last night, as if I’m not mourning Mike enough.

Of course I’m still in mourning. I miss him terribly, and the ache of his absence from my life never really goes away. But we can’t grieve 24/7, as my therapist has told me. Moments of pleasure, whether it’s laughing with friends or enjoying a slice of truly decadent red velvet cheesecake, help replenish my emotional reserves and give me strength for when the next wave of grief hits.

“My life is over,” I sobbed on the phone to my mother the night Mike died. But it isn’t, and that’s the point. Mike chose to end his life. I choose to continue mine – and to really LIVE it, fully experiencing the beauty as well as the ugliness, the agony and the ecstasy. To borrow a line from a Robbie Williams song I’ve been listening to lately, “I’ve got too much life running through my veins to go to waste.”

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~ by hourbeforedawn on April 29, 2010.

3 Responses to “Trying to enjoy life again”

  1. Michael would never want you to grieve 24/7. He knew the pain of depression and I don’t think he would want anyone he loved to suffer as he did. Everyone’s grief process is different and we need a little bit of peace in our lives to somehow find the strength to get through the day. Hugs, Gerry-Mom

  2. It is not wrong to have moments of fun, of light, of good moments. They are gifts to cherish and remember when you are in a darker, sadder place. I’m glad you had a fun evening out with friends. It is vital, important. (((you)))

  3. Exactly, darling…the best way to honor those who have crossed over is to live joy*fully in the moment.
    You have my support to do just that. 🙂

    Blessed Be,
    VSD

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