Weekend update

This hasn’t been the easiest of weekends. Friday night I went to a show at Hothouse Spontaneous Theater, the first time I’ve been there since Mike’s death. Our social life has revolved around the theater for the past 2-3 years. We both went through the performance program, took our turns performing in shows… and Mike played in the Hothouse band, so we were at every show.

It was hard to be there without him. I felt his absence keenly, and it hurt me that no one else seemed to notice or care that he wasn’t there… that not one person mentioned him. I drank too much and ended the night sobbing on the sidewalk out front, while Sheila hugged me. And then one of the girls in the alumni show came out, saw me crying, and said, “I know. We miss him too.” I needed to hear that.

I know sometimes people don’t bring him up because they’re afraid it will upset me. I get how hard it is for people on the outside of this situation to know what to say, and that they worry about saying the wrong thing. But saying nothing can be even worse.

Yesterday I had a good session with my therapist. I spent a couple hours on the phone with family, took a two-hour nap in the afternoon, finished reading “Evenings at Five” by Gail Godwin. It was just a quiet day alone, but it was OK.

Today has not been a good day. I’d made plans to spend the day with a friend because I’ve learned that I can’t handle two days alone in a row without sinking into depression. My friend got sick and had to cancel, and everyone else seems to be busy today. I’m trying to stay busy, distract myself… but I can feel the grief sneaking up on me again. I’m going to call my mom, as soon as she gets home from church. And maybe I’ll find a movie to see. That’s something I don’t mind doing alone, and at least I’ll be around other people.

I hesitate to post this because it sounds whiney. But it’s honest. That’s how I feel today… lonely, sorrowful, and whiney. I feel like curling up in a ball and just crying my heart out. I miss Mike so much, especially on days like this. When he was alive, a quiet weekend at home with no plans was something to treasure. Now it’s something to endure.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on May 2, 2010.

5 Responses to “Weekend update”

  1. sweet Lira: when I went to the HH shows Friday before last it was very hard without Mike there. Believe me when I say that everyone is really aware of it. I love you.

  2. I’m sorry this weekend has been such a hard one, Lira.You are right. People often don’t know the right thing to say, so they don’t say anything at all. Hopefully this will change. Sometimes it takes losing someone we love to actually learn this. Sending lots of love to you, hon. Today and always. And I hope you get out and do something soon today.

  3. whiny? you are grieving…please keep sharing and reaching out…

  4. Lira! I wish we lived closer to you. Gerry and I were invited to attend a benefit show at a local restaurant this afternoon. We did not know anything else about the performance until after the musicians started playing and it was announced that they were raising money for one of their own. A local bass player had suddenly passed away! Now here we are, sitting in the audience and feeling all the pain. The show lasted four hours and was very well done, but! The host had a list of Kansas City musicians who had passed receintly so I asked if he would put Micheal’s name on the list, which he did. He is in great company. Love, Dad.

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