When my brother visited last weekend, he brought back Mike’s leather jacket which he’d had repaired for me. It was sewn back together with contrasting stitching, which gives it a Frankenstein effect. I love it, but it definitely draws attention.

That Friday night we went to an improv show at Hothouse. My brother wanted me to wear the jacket, but it didn’t at all match the sundress I’d decided to wear, so I just tossed it in the car. I put it on at the end of the night to show my friends. I felt good wrapped in Mike’s jacket, and I hadn’t really given much thought to how others might see it. I was just happy to have it back.

One friend came over to talk to us at the end of the night and absolutely recoiled at the sight of the jacket. I saw his head jerk up, his back stiffen. His eyes looked anywhere but at me. I was torn between feeling bad for having upset him and feeling scornful and a little angry. You can’t handle this reminder that he’s gone? You weren’t even that close to him. Lucky you to have the luxury of forgetting that he’s dead, while I have to live with this loss 24/7.

I had loaned my brother one of Mike’s warm jackets to wear while he searched for his lost cat late at night. The day that my brother left, I came home from work to find the jacket casually tossed over the back of a chair… exactly as Mike might have left it there. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach and tears trickled down my cheeks. As I put the jacket back in the closet, I wondered if this was how his friends had felt when they saw me wearing his jacket at the theater.

I love wearing Mike’s leather jacket. It feels safe and warm. And the way it looks now reflects my new state of being. I’ve obviously been torn up and stitched back together, there’s no denying that. But I’m tough and I’ll make it through.


~ by hourbeforedawn on May 16, 2010.

7 Responses to “Jackets”

  1. I think it’s perfect. Love to you.

  2. :bow:

  3. Oh Lira – what a post! There’s so much in there – being wrapped in love, even if love is pieced together & been through so much. Your empathy for others is amazing! There are so many echoes in your life of Mike – its beautiful that you are listening for them – even when it hurts. When you move into your own place again, you won’t have those sucker punches which will be both good and bad. You look great in that jacket!

  4. love love love this post.

  5. I find that the things that bring us comfort are the things that you easily associate with them. Of course they bring up sobering pain at times, but then they wrap us up in well worn familarity. I too like to wear some of Michael’s things, which are all too big for me, but it brings me comfort. Keep doing what feels good, and what feels right to you. Others will just have to adapt.

  6. “It reflecting your new state of being” How poignant and beautiful. Big Love to you today ((((((((LiraMay)))))))))

  7. I love the jacket. Its been two yrs since my husbands suicide and I still wear his clothes. They are still exactly where they always were. People say that I am getting stronger every day. But I feel just like the jacket. Torn and stitched back together, but never be whole again.


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