This seems to be my pattern. A particularly good day (or a few of them) is almost inevitably followed by a bad day, when I feel worse than before… like having a relapse when you’re recovering from an illness. The last two days have not been good. I find myself close to tears all the time, and it doesn’t take much to spill them. The Van Halen tunes I was jamming to in the car on Sunday now cause me to wince and stab at the stereo to silence them. My stress level is high, and I had a full-on temper tantrum yesterday when my mom’s computer got infected by a virus and shut down. Mom was watching “Law and Order: SVU” last night, and the episode involved a woman committing suicide by shooting herself in the head. I almost lost it.

Earlier today, recognizing how very close to the ragged edge I was, I took half a Xanax tablet. Now I’m sitting here quietly browsing on the brand new computer I just bought and set up for my mom, and trying to bring myself back to my center. More later…


~ by hourbeforedawn on May 26, 2010.

12 Responses to “Relapse”

  1. Be gentle with yourself honey, grief takes time and it sometimes pops up when we least expect it. ((((((((((Lira))))))))))))

  2. Adding another virtual hug and lots and lots of love…

  3. it’s true this must feel like recovering from an illness. praying you can right your ship once again in this storm. xxxxx L

  4. There will be bad days – sometimes 2 or 3 in a row. I just had a couple myself. Today, I seem to be climbing back up. For me, the main thing has been to realize that these times eventually pass. Being out in nature helps me quite a lot – watching pronghorns on the high desert, or pelicans on a lake, waves crashing on the Oregon coast – just about anything going on in the natural world can help me to regain my balance. Each person is different and has to find that place or that happening that will help them to find their way.

  5. Dear Lira, Gerry and I went to another grief counseling session last evening. The speaker said that survivors usually center on the last few minutes of a persons life and disregard the rest. We were given an empty plastic prescription bottle and instructed to write our own healing prescription and place it in the bottle. Ours states; “We had Michael for 44 years, write down one good memory per day.” Review as often as necessary. Gerry has a journal in which she is keeping her notes.
    I discovered a copy of the sheet music for “Over the Rainbow” from the movie “The Wizard of Oz.” There is a second verse that I don’t recall being used in the movie. I found it very moving in light of Michael’s passing. If you look and can’t locate it I’ll send you a copy. Love from Mom and Dad.

  6. i’m praying for you darling lira.

  7. I wouldn’t mind taking the other half of the Xanax. Then we could both work on feeling centered. Part of this process is catching ourselves on the upswing and making sure we get back on the right road. I suppose it is like constantly redirecting our inner child.

  8. I think this is totally normal (not that that helps…). Not that I think a divorce anywhere near what you are going through but when I went through my divorce, I went through a similar pattern…just hearing you…

  9. Lira, I might add something regarding my prescription for writing down one memory per day. I found myself, the first few days, writing down a memory and then adding, but not necessarily in these words, “I’ll not see that again”. My background in the pharmaceutical industry taught me that there was always a mile-long PI (prescribing information sheet) that comes along with each prescription. So I made up my own PI for my prescription that while taking my prescription it should not end with that type of thought or comment. It should only be the memory. Sorry that you have had a difficult couple of days. The computer crash and TV show probably didn’t help your stress level. We went to the movies with some friends today to see the new Robin Hood. A funeral scene in the movie sure didn’t help with my roller coaster emotions. Take care. Hugs to you and Mom.

  10. The pendulum will swing rapidly back and forth for now. Over time, the swings will get wider, the distance between the Bright and Shadow broader.
    Be extra gentle with yourself in the meantime. 🙂

    Blessed Be,

  11. Now I’d really like have seen you have that temper tantrum. Willa is perfecting the arched back, thrown back head…I’m teaching her sign language for emotions and encouraging her to, if you’re going to tantrum, to really get into it…stomp, stomp, stomp…grrr…usually all this support gets her to stop throwing fits because apparently I look very silly imitating her. Still I’d like to see your 44 yo version of a temper tantrum – just do it all the way, girl!!

  12. Look at how many replies, Lira! So many love you! Including me. I know form experience (though not a suicide death) that grief takes many shapes and comes round the bend many times – giving you a roller coaster of emotions. Try to ride with the flow….giving yourself time-outs and good self-care. Hell, 3 years later, I still find myself stabbing at the radio. Many hugs for you, sweet lyrical Lira, sweet sadness and much strength.

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