A Bad Combination

I almost titled this post “Grief + PMS = Hide the Knives,” but I was afraid someone might take it too literally. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. But some days… Well, to quote Robbie Williams, “I don’t wanna die, but I ain’t keen on living either.”

My emotional balance is hanging by a thread on the best of days. Throw whacked out hormones into the mix and it’s not pretty. The last couple of days everything just feels so hard… The grief is a huge weight, like a monster sitting on my chest. It’s hard to breathe. Getting through the day feels like trying to swim in peanut butter. I broke down crying at my desk today and couldn’t stop, just had to grab a handful of Kleenex and rush outside.

If I stop DOING, just be still… images flash through my mind that I’d rather not see, like Mike’s empty, lifeless body lying there as I said my final goodbye. I haven’t been haunted by images like that since the first few weeks. Thankfully, work was pretty busy most of the day and I’m seeing a friend tonight.

I don’t think I should be alone right now.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on June 1, 2010.

5 Responses to “A Bad Combination”

  1. No, Lira, don’t be alone. Go out and have fun with your friend. Hugs and lots of love to you. Sorry you had such a rough day. That has to be a tough image to see Mike’s lifeless body as you said your final goodbye. I can’t even imagine. I am just so sorry you lost Mike. Love ya.

  2. I wish that I had some answers for you but we are still struggling ourselves. I guess life is not for the faint of heart. I pray for our release from this anguish that seems to meet us at ever turn. We do look forward to seeing you later this month. We love you!

  3. Hang in there. I like the words of King Solomon, at times like the one you find yourself in now, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS.”

  4. Hi Lira, There will be days that seem easier to get through, then times like this, that take a lot of active work to stay afloat. This past week I kept waking up with images of Michaal dying. It was very disturbing to me, and I’m not quite sure why I was experiencing this at 8 months, but I was. I find that there is little rhyme or reason, so I do what I can to just get through it.

    You are still at a point where everything is so raw. Keep in mind it will be up and down for some time.

  5. (((((((((((Lira)))))))))))))) Grief is so hard and so raw and it creeps up to surprise sometimes when we think we have a handle on it. Take care of you xx

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