Down in a hole

Three months ago today, the love of my life put a gun to his head and blew his brains out. I think the reality is finally sinking in. I’ve heard suicide described as a grenade that blows apart families and entire communities. That seems about right. I feel shattered and broken, and I know I’m not the only one. Right now I’m a little angry at Mike for lobbing that grenade at us in order to escape himself.

But only a little… mostly because I don’t have energy for anger. I feel helpless and hopeless, and it hasn’t hurt this bad since those first awful days. My rational mind knows that I’ve gotten down to another level of grief, and that eventually I’ll find my way through it. But from where I sit, down in this hole, it’s hard to see things rationally. It’s hard to see anything, actually. I’m in a very dark place.

“Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
Down in a hole, out of control
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied.”

Those lyrics by Alice in Chains capture it perfectly, but I haven’t been able to listen to the song since Mike died. It hits too close to how I know he must have felt, and makes me despair that I couldn’t save him.

He found wings to fly in the end, but at what cost to the rest of us? I’m left trying to pick up the shattered fragments of my life, while trying to be there for his kids, his parents, and everyone else who is grieving this loss. Today it’s too much. Today I just want to curl up down in my hole and cry.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on June 3, 2010.

6 Responses to “Down in a hole”

  1. Hang in there. I’m grieving the suicide of my ex-husband who left behind his wonderful four-year-old son with me. it’s been 9 months, and I struggle every day with grief, some days more than others. Anyway, it’s getting better, but I just wanted to express my support from one grieving mom to another. Take care.

    Jenniphur

  2. (((Lira)))

  3. (((((lira))))) Thinking of you — always

  4. oh honey, hang out all you want and cry. You are surrounded with so much love and I absolutely know that you’ll pick yourself back up and keep going…and you won’t have to do it alone.

  5. Can you be there For Your*Self, first?
    (((lira)))

  6. you’re not alone. the stories may be different, but the feelings are the same. just know you’re never alone.

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