Moving out and moving forward

Yesterday I turned in the keys to my apartment. I’ve been staying with a friend since Friday, but now I’m officially homeless, a nomad. My car is packed as full as I could get it – with five suitcases, two boxes of journals (dating back to 2002), books, photos, cards and gifts from Mike. I need to “nest” wherever I land, to make my room at my mom’s (and anywhere else I stay) feel like home until I have a home of my own again.

Moving day was last Saturday, and it was surprisingly easy, thanks to the help of my in-laws and several friends. The hard part, for me, was coming back to do the final clean-out of the apartment. Walking into those bare rooms, I recalled the first night Mike and I spent there, sleeping on a futon mattress in an empty apartment. I remembered how we “christened” each room after we moved in, and how full of hope I was then for the beginning of our new life together. I sat on the floor in the bedroom and cried for what I’ve lost. Then I went down to the garage, the place where my love spent his final moments, to say goodbye. I haven’t felt his presence there, that sense of peace and serenity, since the garage was cleaned up. I stood on the spot where he died, and I felt him saying “I’m not here anymore. Go on.”

Today I begin a new chapter of my life. I take Mike with me in my heart, in the pages of my journals, and in the urn that sits in the passenger seat. I always wished we could travel more…

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~ by hourbeforedawn on June 30, 2010.

5 Responses to “Moving out and moving forward”

  1. I love you Lira…hoping you land softly….

  2. Well-done, well-said, my friend. I’m feeding Willa mac-n-cheese as I read your post. She just say and signed with her hands “Open-Shut” and she smiled. From the mouth of babes…moments in our lives open and then shut – just like that, simply, completely…and you, my dear, are brave enough to go on, into those moments fully. Courage. Strength. Love. And plenty of rest stops to you.

  3. I wish you well on this next part of your journey I hit the road in about two weeks. I’m finding that is not so hard to get through the packing. It hits me a few days later. I would have to agree with the message you recieved. He is not there. He is likely in your heart. That is where I experience my Michael.

    Safe travel.

  4. Good luck with your travels. I hope your heart and instincts lead you to many wonderful places. In the days ahead, if you find yourself feeling tired, just try to rest for awhile, give yourself a break, and live by that old saw about tomorrow being the first day of the rest of your life. That’s a very important part of experiencing life as a nomad. By the way, I’ll probably be back in Arizona by sometime around December 1st – most likely in California in November. If you’re passing through and want to meet up somewhere, just contact me any time. Might be a nice thing to do. Take care. Be well.

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