My birthday

“Yesterday I woke up, the day that I was born, stopped to smell the roses but all I got were thorns…” That lyric has been stuck in my head, and it fits at least the way my birthday began yesterday. I woke up thinking about the day my husband took his life… about the phone call from the sherriff’s deputy, being met at the ER by the hospital chaplain, and how surreal it all felt. Depression sat heavily on me all morning, and I just wanted to crawl back in bed, pull the blackout curtains, and hide from the world.

I didn’t want to have a birthday without Mike. I don’t want to get any older without him. I’d like to just put time on “pause” until I’m ready for it to start moving forward again. For the first time in my life, I’m not comfortable with the age I am… because I was never supposed to be single at this age. I’ve always been able to embrace getting older, but right now I dread it.

Around noon it finally occurred to me that I hadn’t had a shower in two days, so I forced myself to get out of bed, get in the shower, get dressed. Then, operating on the fake it til you make it principle, I put on some makeup and went out to the mall to spend a couple of gift cards I’d received for my birthday. Cashing in on great sales at Bath & Body Works and Victoria’s Secret, and a coupon for a free drink at Starbucks, cheered me up some.

When I got home, I called my friend Brad and we talked for over an hour. That helped a lot, just to be HEARD and understood. Finding some fifty birthday messages on my Facebook wall also made me smile. I’ve lost my greatest love, but I still have a lot of people in my life who love me. I need to remember that.

In the evening, Mom and I went out to dinner at Willow Creek Restaurant to celebrate our birthdays (hers was June 10). It’s a lovely place with great ambiance.

The weather was perfect, so we sat on the patio, which was so festive with its “Christmas” lights in July.

The service was slow, but we were enjoying the company and the lovely evening, so we didn’t care. The food was nothing to write home about. I ordered the salmon, which was a mistake. If Mike were here, we’d have gone to Cafe Bizou for my birthday dinner and my salmon would have been perfectly cooked. Every bite of the meal would have been worth savoring, and Mike would have asked the waiter to put a candle in my flourless chocolate cake. I tried not to dwell on that and just enjoy my time with my mom.

I’ve survived another “first,” my first birthday without Mike, and today is already a better day.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on July 6, 2010.

5 Responses to “My birthday”

  1. you are awesome. I am better because I know you.

  2. just wanted to leave you some love xoxox

  3. You could have just stayed in bed and missed it all but you chose to get up and get going. You made the right choice, for sure. Please keep up the good work. We’re all pulling for you.

  4. Sending birthday wishes your way. These days are difficult, and don’t seem real without them. I’m glad you had your mother to celebrate with. There will be happier times ahead.

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