I Don’t Wanna Talk About It

I came to Arizona intending to focus on writing, not only this blog, but beginning to put the story of Mike and me on the page. I’ve been putting that off, not just because I’m busy traveling or because I’m a champion procrastinator, though both of those things are true… but because it’s easier to live each day in the moment, focusing on the here and now.

I don’t want to write about Mike. I don’t want to remember what we had, what I lost. “I don’t wanna talk about it, how you broke my heart…”

He did break my heart. Though I know he never stopped loving me, and I know he didn’t want to hurt me… The fact is, the final choice he made hurt me more than anything ever has. It shattered my heart and my life. I’m picking up the pieces, slowly, though I can’t even begin to see yet how they’ll fit back together or what the new picture of my life might look like. And that’s hard enough without dwelling on what used to be and will never be again.

Honestly, right now I don’t even want to think about Mike. It hurts too much, and I’m tired of hurting. It feels so much better to laugh, to dance, to sing at the top of my lungs in the car. But then I feel guilty because I’m not thinking about him… and then I do something stupid like listen to the Rod Stewart song that inspired the title of this post (Rod Stewart \"I Don\'t Wanna Talk About It\"), and I find myself weeping again… and then I resent him for making me feel this way.

I can’t win. I don’t wanna talk about it.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on July 16, 2010.

5 Responses to “I Don’t Wanna Talk About It”

  1. YOU DON’T HAVE TO. Period.

    Do your thing, knowing you’re entitled to feel like this and it’s okay.

    • I love you, Brad.

      • I love you too, honey. None of this is abnormal or unfair – I’m not telling you anything here that I haven’t told you in person or on the phone. We’ll do that again a lot more in the near future by the way – I still have to take you up to Greasewood Flat one of these nights when you’re down here to stay a day or two. There’s a lot actually that we have to do here together so that you can get a better sense of Phoenix and what it has to offer besides the obvious.

        Remember what I said about people on their own trips and how you’ll have to decide for yourself who comes on the journey with you and who will have to wait until you’ve decided how to handle them or what place they are going to have in your life. Their shit is about them, not about you – DO YOUR THING. No restraint, no apology, no justification, because you don’t own anyone anything – least of all explanation or respect that isn’t being given to you.

        You know how to find me when you need or want to. 😉

  2. The right time for the story of you and Mike to come to the page will happen…but just maybe the story of you two isn’t done enough yet to commit to writing? Let it ferment, compost, settle until the words come easier. Or just write what needs to be written now – and save the rest for later? I’m with Brad!!

  3. Lira, I’m certain you have heard it all before, but I’d like to chime in and say that I believe this is entirely normal & acceptable & also healthy (not that you didn’t think it was to begin with, lol). You have dedicated the last 4+ months of your life to grieving… and of course there will be more grieving, but focusing on YOU and letting some of the positive pour back in slowly is exactly what you deserve. (((((Lira)))))

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