Crisis of confidence

I had a personal revelation tonight while watching my friend Aarti on “The Next Food Network Star” (Sundays 9/8c). She’s made it to the final four and is definitely one to watch. She’s got such presence on camera – so warm and genuine, she lights up the screen. But sometimes she gets these attacks of self-doubt, these crises of confidence that are painful for me to watch.

It’s painful because it’s all too familiar. All my life I could be sailing along, everything going well… and it would only take one wrong thing to send me into a downward spiral, doubting myself, wondering whether I’m really worthy of the good things in life. Mike was incredibly good for my self-confidence. He believed in me even when I didn’t, and he taught me to believe in myself. But now he’s gone, and sometimes late at night those nagging little voices of self-doubt whisper that I never really deserved him anyway.

Watching Aarti on TV, I can relate to her self-doubt, her lapses of confidence. I know what it feels like. But it kind-of frustrates me, because I think she’s so amazing… so lovely and vibrant and talented… and she’s GOT THIS, if only she could really stand in her own awesomeness and own it.

And then I stopped for a moment and wondered if MY crises of confidence look the same from the outside… if my friends are shaking their heads and wondering why I doubt myself, why I can’t see in myself all the good things they see in me. And I think maybe they are. And that was a revelation.

I used to think Mike saw wonderful things in me just because he loved me… not that love made him blind, exactly, but maybe gave him rose colored glasses. But I think the truth is that he saw me more clearly than anyone else ever has. And my challenge to myself, even on my bad days, is to try and see myself the way he saw me… to bring out the beautiful, smart, talented, sexy woman he fell in love with and stop hiding her from the rest of the world.

Wish me luck.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on August 1, 2010.

2 Responses to “Crisis of confidence”

  1. Good luck, Lira. I think that crisis of confidence may just be a part of the human condition. I’ve known a couple of people (well) who are the type who exude confidence in everything they do. The interesting thing is that both of them have told me that they aren’t really all that confident at all. Similarly, others have told me that I always seem so self-assured and rock steady, and yet I don’t actually feel this way inside. Sometimes, I am anything but confident, but I usually try not to let that show. In self-defense, that is one of the things that is considered to be very important – to exhibit confidence even when you don’t feel it. In any case, I think you are going to grow into your confidence over the next while. It is inevitable, especially as you are taking the “hard route” of traveling and pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone. In my experience, that is the path that cultivates strength and self confidence.

  2. …if only she could stand in her own awesomeness and own it…GREAT LINE! GREAT THOUGHT! Great way to be! You are awesome too. You are all the things Mike saw and noticed. And I get the feeling you’re not going to be hiding yourself much longer! Hugs and much love…

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