Depression

Last night I dreamed that Mike was still with me, that he hadn’t killed himself. He was very depressed, sitting in a straight-backed chair, staring blankly into space with those empty, haunted eyes that always told me he was down in the hole again. He held up a piece of paper, something I’d written (it looked like a poem maybe?), and said he knew from reading it that I’d be happier without him. No! I protested. Not true! I’ve learned that I CAN live without you, that I’ll survive… but the happiest days of my life have been with you. I became very anxious.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ve decided not to kill myself. It will never get any better, but I’ll hang on… for you.” His tone of voice was flat, hopeless, like his eyes. I couldn’t stand it. I knelt before him, wrapped my arms around his waist, and rested my head in his lap. I clung to him for what felt like a long time. When I raised my head, I told him, “I’m always going to worry about you.” Mike nodded slowly. “I’m glad you understand that now,” he said.

When I awoke, I felt relieved that it was only a dream… relieved that I don’t have to worry about him every time I see that haunted look in his eyes, that I’m not still waiting for the proverbial ax to fall. But I can’t shake the emotions from the dream, which have clung to me all day like cobwebs. I feel depressed and hopeless. I can’t stop crying.

Tomorrow it will be exactly five months since Mike took his life. Sometimes it feels like much longer. Right now it feels like this hole in my heart just happened yesterday.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on August 2, 2010.

8 Responses to “Depression”

  1. Ups and downs, love… sending you strength and peace tonight.

  2. Such a powerful dream, and quite powerful emotions. You are definietly going to experience, and re-experience these type of feelings during this grief journey. I wish I could say it will get easier, as it might just get more difficult before it gets easier. Unfortunately that’s how it goes.

    Hang in there.

  3. I don’t know what it is about the 5 month aniversary mark but I just came through a haunting weekend experiencing the exact same emotions you are speaking of. I literally was hurting like I just got the news yesterday. Walking around raw and split open anew. Sending you a measure of understanding, buckets full of love and the knowledge that you are not alone.

  4. I don’t know what to say except I’m listening and here. I’m so sorry.

  5. I shared this post with Paul, my husband, and he said “It takes a long time for the brain and the heart to come to terms with it all.” Dang – he “out-percets” (better perception!) me all the time. Yes, dear friend, it seems one or the other – brain or heart – is working on your grief and showing up in your dreams. Know you are very much loved by many many people.

  6. I came across your blog from clicking on many other blogs. How ironic that I have been searching for people who are going through the same thing as I am. My husband also took his life May of this year. It has been unbearable pain and I never thought I could miss someone so much. I enjoy reading your blog and especially the depression post. My husband also suffered from depression but was very good at hiding it b/c there were no signs that he was going to take his own life. It is heart wrenching for me think he was in so much pain and he didn’t want to tell me but kept it inside until he could no longer handle his own demons. Life without him seems meaningless and understanding what his parents call ” his disease” is even more of a whirlwind than I ever thought I could endure.

  7. What an amazing dream. They say that the unconscious mind is a window for the unknown. I wonder.. It has been 2 1/2 yrs. for me and sometimes it also feels like yesterday. Please take it day by day and be kind to yourself.
    Hugs your way,
    Michele

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