I’ve been back in L.A. (actually the San Fernando Valley) since Friday afternoon. It felt a little strange to be back here at first. After six weeks away, I was unused to the traffic and the crowds, and I missed the expansive Arizona sky. And it was a bit disorienting to be “home,” but not to have a home here. I’ve been homesick lately, and I hoped a quick visit would soothe that, but my first night in town I felt even more homesick than before. Part of that, of course, is because Mike isn’t here. And home, as the song goes, “is a feeling I buried in you.” That’s easier when I’m traveling. I don’t expect him to be at my brother’s house in Corpus Christi; he’s never been there. Back home, I feel his absence acutely.

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening with my best friend, Sheila. We went to Burbank for lunch (possibly the best falafel I’ve ever had), walked, shopped, and talked for hours. When we first sat down to lunch, we kept grinning at each other across the table, just so happy to be talking in person again and not over a computer screen. And as we talked and walked, everything became comfortable and familiar again, as if I’d never left.

Yesterday my friend Susan hosted a little get together of friends from our improv theater. We were all standing around in her kitchen, talking and laughing and riffing off each other the way improvisers do, and it struck me that THIS is what I’ve missed about L.A./North Hollywood. Smiling, I turned to Susan and said, “Okay, NOW I’m home.”

There were some painfully poignant moments during the spontaneous jam session in the back yard. Mike should have been there, playing some bluesy sax, completely in his element. I was overwhelmed by missing him at one point and had to go inside and collect myself. But the undertow of sorrow couldn’t get me, surrounded and buoyed by my chosen family.

It’s good to be home, even for a little while.


~ by hourbeforedawn on August 23, 2010.

One Response to “Home”

  1. I do so enjoy reading your posts. It seems that you have some really wonderful friends to help you through your hurt. Yes I know that feeling of being overwhelmed, it comes and goes. I am 2 1/2 yrs. down that road and the overwhelming feeling still comes, but not as often. Just know its okay and that your friends understand.

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