Lonely is the night

I’ve been feeling pretty good most days. I’m eating healthier and going to the gym almost every day, and for the first time in six months my energy doesn’t flag by mid-afternoon. But as my days are getting better, the nights are getting worse.

I’d gotten used to sleeping alone, or so I thought. The floppy stuffed dog that Mike gave me (while we were in Arizona after my dad died) now has his own side of the bed; I don’t need to cling to him or to push his fuzzy body against my back to feel less alone. But lately, no matter how well the day has gone, when it comes time to turn out the light and sleep, I’m overcome by waves of grief.

I don’t want to be alone. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t know how to do this.

I miss him so much.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on August 29, 2010.

7 Responses to “Lonely is the night”

  1. oh honey. i’m so sorry. no you didn’t ask for this. i’m praying that God restores your peaceful slumber tonight. sending you hugs from afar.

  2. I am right there with you.. as soon as I have to be alone in my bed I realize that Dan is not here anymore and I will never hear his voice, steal a kiss, or even grab a hug! It is so painful to think this way but it feels like forever. I have to stop myself from thinking about it and try to just close my eyes and pray for a dream that I can hold onto! See.. I haven’t had a dream about Dan and I ask God every night to please let me dream about him and make sure he is in a better place! 16 weeks and no dream.. that I can recall!

    I think missing our loved ones and knowing that we can’t bring them back is the hardest part of everyday! The fact that they are no longer here brings unbearable pain! I didn’t ask for this either and I feel the same as you when it comes to being alone. I hate it and it angers me that he put me in this angry,sad place! I too miss my husband and just wish I could see him again!

    • I rarely dream about Mike. The first couple that I had were nightmares – not comforting at all. I had a wonderful dream visit from him at about three months, but since then nothing. I know how you feel.

  3. you are right…you didn’t ask for this and it’s not fair. And how you do this is how you are doing it…one foot in front of the other. I’m so sorry Lira.

  4. Aww honey – wish I could you hug you right now. I’m so sorry that the nights are so hard. Everything you wrote is true except it does seem like you are doing this life – even if you don’t think you know how to do it. One step, one day, one moment…

  5. (((((Lira))))) I’m so sorry.

  6. Yes, the nites can be lonely, I still sleep with a shirt that was a favorite of his. It still smells of his cologne. I took my ring off and now wear it on my right hand at the year mark. Its different with everyone. Please know that others are on this journey with you. This was one club I didn’t want to join, but just reading your posts give me inspiration.
    Hugssss, Michele

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