Interviews and Illness

A week ago I drove to Los Angeles for a job interview. I didn’t know very much about the position going in, but it’s at my first choice company, so I was excited about the interview… actually, interviews plural, since I met with six different people. I liked everyone I met with and felt that it would definitely be a good personality fit, and I came away from the meetings feeling enthusiastic about my chances.

The next day I drove back to Arizona feeling utterly exhausted. Initially I put it down to not enough sleep and the fact that I’ve made that 14-hour round trip drive four times in as many months, and it’s starting to wear me down. By 8:00 p.m. my whole body hurt, I felt lightheaded and nauseous, and I barely had the strength to sit up. I had to admit that I wasn’t just tired, I was sick.

For the next two days, I spent more time sleeping than awake. I’d get up for an hour or two, play on the computer, then take a two-hour nap. Thankfully, I never got *really* sick… but it’s taken several days to get back to feeling anything close to normal. And I’m still struggling to regain my previous energy and enthusiasm.

When I feel under the weather physically, it’s easy for depression to set in and doubt to take hold. I find myself wondering why I bother to try and make anything of my life, when it can all be ripped away from me at a moment’s notice anyway. When the depression and grief take hold, I feel like one giant gaping emotional wound. And I feel like the “public” me — positive, outgoing, confident — is nothing but a fraud. I wonder why anyone would want to hire me.

I need this job. I need to get back to L.A., to my close circle of friends and my support group and my therapist. I want my life back, damn it.

::deep breath::

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…


~ by hourbeforedawn on September 26, 2010.

4 Responses to “Interviews and Illness”

  1. Lira, remember that the “public” you is still, in fact, you. Like you said, it’s easy to slip back into sadness and despair when you’re not feeling well. Take care of yourself and get lots of sleep. You’ve been through a lot and it’s probably still pretty hard for your body to fend off bugs and germs. Go easy on yourself and remember… it’s ok to be messy when you need to be messy. I am crossing my fingers you get this job. Feel better…. xoj

  2. I *know* you can. 🙂

  3. It seems it’s real easy for sickness to take hold when you feel depressed and withdrawn. John and I are going through much of the same. Sleeping a lot, feeling rotten, etc. You know how it is. Keep hanging in there and plugging along. And, I believe the term is “I know I can, I know I can, I know I can. Hugs

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