House of Cards

Well, I didn’t get the job. I found out on Friday afternoon.

I was in a pretty bad place Friday evening, very dark, feeling hopeless and self-destructive. Wine and music and journaling helped, eventually, and I felt better yesterday… more like myself, or I should say, like my old self. Before Mike’s suicide, I didn’t get depressed. I didn’t have moments of rage where I wanted to fling my wine glass against a wall. I didn’t come unglued because of one disappointment. Now I do.

It’s been seven months today. I miss him so much… and I’m a little angry with him, too. I’m angry because he left me and because he left behind this legacy of pain and depression and fear.

Most days now I’m really OK, but it’s a precarious balance… like a house of cards, which the slightest wrong move or breath of wind can knock down in an instant. Pull one card out, or try to put too many on – try to do too much – and it’s all over. When it falls apart, I put it back together by reminding myself of everything I still have to live for, by focusing on something positive. But sometimes I get tired of rebuilding this structure again and again. I just get so tired. Sometimes I want someone else to hold me up for a while, or just to hold me.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on October 3, 2010.

6 Responses to “House of Cards”

  1. I’m holding you energetically….visualizing an army of angels standing around you, holding you up and giving you strength and comfort ❤

    I love what you said about the house of cards, I can so relate.
    Thank you for writing, for pressing on, and most of all for your honesty. It means so much to know I'm not alone.

  2. You are such a good writer, Lira. It might be the time to start your Great American (Harry Potter) book. This morning on NPR, I heard a man say that Frank McCort had been his high school English teacher before Frank became a noted author. That made me wonder if you might be able to do substitute teaching in Prescott. Here in Ohio, subs are in short supply, so anyone with a BA can take a quick seminar and be approved as a substitute teacher. The pay is not great, but the flexibility is, and the hours are pretty good. It might be worth a try, and give the dynamics of your situation a beneficial shift.
    I hope the week goes well for you. Hi to your mom. Love, AA

  3. From author, Erin Hart – For a time after my husband died, I tried living my life backward. But I found that it doesn’t work. The only direction I can live is forward. It’s terrifying, but it’s the only option I can see. (from the mystery “Lake of Sorrows”).

  4. The house of cards imagery rang so true for me…I know you are tired, once again i’m at a loss as to say something that I wish would comfort you…I’ll be there to hold you up on the walk though! 🙂
    ps…you are a great writer someday i know i will be reading something by “Lira Maywood”, curled up on my couch. I know it.

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