There’s no place like home

I voted in the mid-term elections yesterday. I didn’t plan ahead enough to  vote by mail, so I had to drive half an hour to my polling place… in my old neighborhood, just a few blocks from the apartment I shared with Mike. I haven’t been back to that area since I handed in the keys the last week of June.

I was a little anxious about going back, afraid of the memories and emotions it might trigger. But it was OK. I voted, stopped at my credit union, and ran a couple of other errands in the neighborhood… which felt comfortable and familiar. As I drove past the turn-off into our old neighborhood, I automatically took my foot off the gas. I had to resist the temptation to turn in, to drive past our building. I turned up the stereo and headed for the freeway instead.

As I drove, I found myself thinking back to Halloween night and an improvised rendition of The Wizard of Oz that some of my theater friends put on at a club. It was a fun night, a fun show… but there were a couple of moments, during “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and when Dorothy clicked the heels of her ruby slippers together, when I felt a wistful longing. How I wish it were that simple, that some magic could return me to my heart home.

It hit me a couple of hours later, sitting in my therapist’s office.  When I had that impulse to turn down my old street, to go “home,” on some deep, irrational level I felt that I might find Mike there… as if by pulling my car into the garage and walking up those stairs again, I might find that the last eight months have been nothing but a bad dream.

All day today it’s been slowly sinking in that I don’t know where (or what) home is for me anymore. I feel at home with my mom… I feel at home with my circle of friends… but it’s not the same. Everywhere I’ve gone these last four months, I’ve been searching for that sense of belonging and I haven’t found it. When I came home to California, to my close circle of friends and my therapist and my support group, it felt right. But something is still missing. Home was a feeling rooted in Mike, in the love we shared and the family we made together.

There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.


~ by hourbeforedawn on November 3, 2010.

2 Responses to “There’s no place like home”

  1. No words, just love. (((((((((((((( you

  2. home is wherever you are lira 🙂

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