Three Years / Nine Months

Three years ago today, I came home from a long day at work. I was so worn out, I nearly started to cry over some stupid little thing. Mike walked in, put his arms around me and asked what was wrong. Just tired, I said. He led me to the couch and sat down with me, holding my hands. “Your mom called,” he said gently. “Your dad died today.”

My dad was two weeks from his 82nd birthday. His health had been declining for some time. An old war injury had left him with a seriously compromised respiratory system, and he’d been on oxygen for the last two years. We all knew his time with us was limited. But Mike and I had just gotten engaged. We’d told my parents less than two weeks earlier, at Thanksgiving. I’d been clinging to the hope that my dad would hang on long enough to walk me down the aisle.

Mike held me while I fell apart… and he did that again and again in the weeks to come. He dropped everything and drove me to Arizona to be with my mom, and he stayed there with me for ten days. He was my solid rock of support and comfort in my grief, the one who made it all bearable. I remember one night when I was sobbing because my dad wouldn’t be there at our wedding, Mike held me close and said, “But he died knowing that you were in good hands. He knew he didn’t have to worry about you because I’ll always take care of you.”

Nine months ago today, the man who had promised to always be there for me took his own life and left me alone.

I know he didn’t want to leave me. I know how long and hard he struggled against the depression. Most of the time I don’t blame him for giving in, giving up. But today I’m hurting… and it feels so unfair that he isn’t here to hold me.

I miss my daddy. And I want my husband back.


~ by hourbeforedawn on December 3, 2010.

6 Responses to “Three Years / Nine Months”

  1. Oh Lira, this brought tears to my eyes. I wish so much that you could have both your dad and Mike back. I wish so very much for that. Love you.

  2. I miss your dad, too. And Mike, even though I didn’t actually know him, I know he’s a good man. I’m so sorry, Lira, and wish I could help. All I can think of, I guess, is to keep your chin up and call your mom. Hugs!

  3. Sending you love, Lira.

  4. I also miss your dad, and I am sure it is hell not having Mike here. Sending you love and good thoughts.

  5. Oh honey…..I wish I could wrap my arms around you and make all the loss dissipate. Keep writing, keep your courage and faith. Reading your blog is such a comfort to me so many days. Sending you so very much love.

  6. Reading your post brings back many memories of my own father, who has also passed. Hugs your way..

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