Be still and listen

This evening I attended the Holiday Gathering of Remembrance for the bereavement ministry that encompasses my Survivors of Suicide group and several other grief support groups.  I’ve been busy and social this week (Disneyland, dancing, two holiday parties) and, to be honest, I wasn’t really in the mood for remembrance and reflection. I fidgeted with impatience through the opening remarks and the first musical piece, wondering why I had come.

The third portion of the program was a clarinetist who introduced his Bach piece with the suggestion that the best way to listen to music is to “close your eyes and let it wash over you.” When I closed my eyes, something within me shifted. The internal chatter and restlessness ceased. The music washed over me, bringing with it memories… memories of Mike playing the cello, of the piece from his senior recital that we played at the memorial service… and then just the recollection of his eyes, his smile, his voice.

I cried through the next half of the program, which involved reading letters group members had written to their deceased loved ones and a moving slide presentation about the grief process. Then it was time for Sharing the Names. When I saw this on the program, I assumed that the facilitators would read from a list of names. But no… Each of us was invited to step up to the microphone and speak the name(s) of the one(s) we had lost.  As I waited in line for my turn, I struggled to compose myself, to swallow the lump in my throat. I just managed to speak the words “my husband, Mike Curry” before the tears washed over me again.

Sometimes I feel guilty because, in all the busyness, I don’t think about him as often. But when I allow myself to be still, to listen to my heart, he’s there.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on December 13, 2010.

5 Responses to “Be still and listen”

  1. Sweetie – I LOVE this piece. It resonates with the whole feeling of busyness before Christmas & how we forget to stand still & get in touch with what really matters. I’m so proud of you for going to this service (showing up!) & for allowing whatever needed to move within you to move & to know Mike is with you still. Love you.

  2. sometimes the scariest thing of all is to be still. but that’s where God is, and where Mike is. good for you honey.

    -x-

  3. Don’t feel guilty because you get caught up in the busyness. It’s called Living – and that’s the best way you can honor him. 🙂

  4. He’ll always be there in your heart, Lira. But I do understand what you’re saying. I’ve felt that way about my Dads before. Big love to you.

  5. Yes, you are to go with your life, I am sure your husband would have wanted that for you. My husband has been gone three yrs. now and I believe that he was taken for a reason. What would our lives have been like if we didn’t have the wonderful memories of them??
    Hugs to you,
    Michele

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