Welcome Back to Life

That’s what my friend Brad said when I announced my new job and my new apartment. “Welcome back to your life.” It feels good to be back. My life has pretty much been on hold since Mike died. I couldn’t think about the future, just existed day to day in a state of limbo for months. But now I’m putting together a structure for my new life, taking comfort in the routine of the new job — even though it means waking up ridiculously early in the morning. I’m beginning to see how I can build on what remains of my old life, adding new pieces to make a new life for myself… a life worth living.

The new job is going well. It’s comforting to be in a familiar environment (same company, even the same building where I worked from 2001 to 2008) and stimulating to be learning new things, stretching my mental muscles a bit. I like the people I’m working for, and I think I’ll be content in this position for a while.

It’s funny… When I left the company in 2008, I desperately wanted a change. I felt like the corporate world was leaching away at my soul, stealing my passion and creativity. I wanted to devote my energy to writing and to helping Mike launch his guitar business. I did those things. And I’m glad I did, even though leaving a steady job just before the economy took a nose dive wasn’t the smartest financial move I’ve ever made. I’m grateful that for the last two years of Mike’s life, I made our relationship and our shared creative dreams my number one priority. I’m deeply grateful for the richness of our time together during those years. I have no regrets about that. And now I can return to the corporate world with a new perspective. There’s a heady freedom in walking away from the 9 to 5 routine, but after having my world turned upside down, stability and structure look pretty good right now.

It’s wonderful to be back with my friends, too, and to know that this time I’m staying. The last week or so since I came back to LA, it’s been one social event after another. Happy hours, Sunday brunch, hikes with friends, parties, shows. I don’t have to be alone unless I want to be. Every night this week I’ve had dinner with a different friend, reconnecting and catching up on  what I’ve missed by being away so long — not just physically absent but mentally and emotionally checked out due to my grief. I’m fully back now, and several of my friends have told me that they can feel it, see the change in me.

It doesn’t mean I’m not still grieving, that I don’t still have some really bad moments. But there are a lot of happy moments, too, more and more of them as time goes on. I’m slowly coming back to life, and it feels good.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on January 20, 2011.

2 Responses to “Welcome Back to Life”

  1. It is great to hear you sounding so positive. Glad you’re back to some stability and to your connections. Here’s to a great year for you with more and more good stuff.

  2. You make my heart warm ❤

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