Falling down again

As I’ve come to expect on this grief journey, my good week was followed by a couple of bad days. Friday evening I went with two friends to see “The King’s Speech,” which I found deeply moving. In the car driving home I started to cry… and I couldn’t stop for several hours.

This is an excerpt from a long letter I wrote to Mike in my journal that night:

“Dear Mike,

I miss you so much tonight. It’s been a good week. I’ve been busy with the new job and with friends, but in random moments I find myself in tears for no specific reason. Things are finally starting to go right for me, but there’s still so much that’s wrong. I’m watching people we both love come apart, and I feel helpless. It’s all I can do to hold myself together. I wish you were here so we could talk things over.

I miss coming home and telling you about my day. I miss holding you at night and falling asleep in your arms. God, how I miss that! I’m afraid my sexuality is dying, baby. My libido is just gone, permanently set on zero, and I can’t be bothered to try and do anything about that. While getting ready for bed tonight, I looked in the bathroom mirror and thought, ‘So what if I’ve got a poochy belly? I might as well give in and get fat, admit I’m middle aged. I’m going to be an admin assistant for the rest of my life and live alone with a cat. Why do I even try?’ I know that sounds whiny and self-pitying, and if you were here you’d call me out for my poor attitude. (Though if you were here, I wouldn’t feel this way.) But believe me when I say that men are hardly beating a path to my door… and that I hardly even care.

I dreamed about you the night before last. I don’t remember much about it. Sometimes it was you and sometimes Brad, but you were both wearing the same long-sleeved, button-down red shirt and talking about suicide. I can’t remember the last time you were in my dreams before that. Why don’t you come to see me in my dreams anymore, baby? Do you think there’s not room for you in my new life? You couldn’t be more wrong.

Some days the little things are enough – seeing the orange-gold early morning sky light up the highrises downtown or the full moon rising over the lake in Echo Park – but not always. Tonight there’s a hole in my heart and there’s nothing I can do to stop the bleeding… nothing that will ever be enough without you. I will always love you.”

Yesterday I woke up in a funk, still feeling lonely and bereft. I resisted the temptation to stay in bed all day and stuck with my plans to go hiking with Sheila. But the dark cloud never really lifted. I just faked my way through the day. Today I gave myself permission to lie around on the couch all day, watching football and reading.

And tonight my period started, almost a week ahead of schedule. Ah, so that’s where all this darkness is coming from. At least I can hope to get through it before moving day.


~ by hourbeforedawn on January 23, 2011.

One Response to “Falling down again”

  1. You are so right in that some days are becoming so much better but inevitably there is a fall back down into the grief. The thing about being further down this road is that we know now that when we fall, we will get back up eventually and take a few more steps forward. Your steps forward are inspiring. Your comment about there being a hole in your heart had me thinking and hearing the Jewel song, “A Hole in My Heart”. I heard it today on the radio and it had me crying while driving, both tears of grief and tears over sweet memories. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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