Dream visitation #2

Mike was in my dreams again last night – finally, the kind of dream visit I’ve been waiting for since last April! In the dream, he’d survived the suicide attempt and had been hiding away somewhere all these months, trying to heal. The bullet in his brain had caused permanent damage, and one side of his body didn’t work right — so part of his face was paralyzed, one shoulder was hunched up, and he had an awkward, lurching walk. It hurt to see him like that, but he was still my love.

When I heard he was still alive, I felt hopelessly conflicted. I still loved him so much and couldn’t wait to see him, but I knew I’d have to take care of him for the rest of his life due to his injuries and that I’d spend every day worrying that he’d try it again and complete the suicide next time. “I can’t go through it all again,” I wailed to Sheila. “I can’t do this!”

Then he was there, wearing a short-sleeved tan cotton shirt that I bought for him at Venice Beach our first year together. He held out his arms, saying apologetically, “I can’t dance anymore.” I said “That’s OK” and threw my arms around him. I noticed that his shoulders felt different, almost like he had a hunchback, but I didn’t care. I clung to him and we swayed clumsily in each other’s arms.

Then we sat down and talked for what seemed like hours. I got to tell him everything – how hurt I’ve been about losing contact with the kids and Aja wanting to take all his things away from me, how I’m coping, how very much I miss him. He called me the love of his life and said we could be “European lovers” now, i.e. not exclusive. He wanted me to find someone who could take care of me the way I deserve; he didn’t want to get in the way of that.

He wasn’t back to stay, but had just come to pick up some things he missed having – like his cello and some art supplies. I helped him carry the cello through the door. But he said he’d see me again soon. I felt an enormous sense of relief wash over me at that.

As I type this, I find myself remembering something a psychic medium told me years ago about how spirits who died under traumatic circumstances have to undergo a period of healing before they are able to communicate with the living. I don’t know if I believe in any of that now, but I do know that, like the dream visitation on April 30, this felt very different from an ordinary dream. The strong sense of Mike’s presence, the feeling that I’d actually been with him and talked to him, carried me through a hectic workday despite feeling physically under the weather. I still miss him terribly, but I don’t feel quite so alone.

What a gift. Thank you, my love.


~ by hourbeforedawn on January 25, 2011.

4 Responses to “Dream visitation #2”

  1. So very powerful.
    What an amazing dream.

  2. This was beautiful to read.

  3. Hi – It looks like we were widowed at about the same time.
    I love the dreams where it really does feel like they were Just There with you. If only you could catch a glimpse of them before waking up…
    …and those dreams have been a quick visit where he couldn’t stay despite both of us wanting to.
    and I wanted to say that I have also hear about the spirits of those who died traumatically needing time to recuperate.
    (My husband was killed in a car accident – different, but traumatic).
    I know I’m rambling, but what I really wanted to say was that YES – it is such a gift.

  4. A few years ago I had a similar dream about my father, who crossed over from AIDS in 1990. He told me he’d had to fake his death to do some deep undercover work for the Navy. We caught up – but there was a subtle difference in his energy. He was no longer afraid.
    I’ve had a few other dreams since with him. In one he introduced me to one of his new friends, a man he’d met in Chinatown.
    I sense my father is finally doing the “Other Side” work he’s supposed to be doing; the last time he visited me outside of the Dreamtime, I barely recognized his energy.

    I think – no, I KNOW, you will see him again soon.

    Blessed Be,

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