Too much!

It’s all too much right now. This week has been very hard. No matter how much sleep I get, six hours a night or eight, I stumble through the work day in a fog of exhaustion and depression. Smiling and pretending to be OK nine hours out of the day wears me the hell out. I broke down in my therapist’s office last night and cried so much that my eyelids were still puffy this morning.

One thing I realized is that I’ve been trying to DO too much. So many things that I’ve wanted to do were on hold until I got a job and a new apartment.  As soon as I landed the job and moved into the new place, I started trying to tackle all of them at once. I’ve got a shopping list as long as my arm, while I’m stressing about how much I’ll be able to pay on my debt. I hate the way my clothes fit (or, more to the point, the way they don’t fit) and I really need to buy some new pants, but if I could just lose that extra five pounds… So I’m counting calories and trying to push myself to exercise, and I’m making budgets, and I’m checking items off lengthy to-do lists…

And it’s all too much. I’m crying “uncle.” Something’s gotta give.

My therapist pointed out that what I’ve done in the last month – starting a new job, finding an apartment and moving – would be tiring even without the added burden of grief and a very painful anniversary coming up.

Her prescription: Go back to taking it one day at a time. Stop pushing myself so hard. From now until the end of March, only minimum payments and minimal effort on anything other than self care. Go ahead and spend a little extra money on things that nourish my body and/or my spirit.

So, tonight I’m not doing a damned thing… except eating Chinese food, watching TV and drinking wine. And I’m thinking about some nurturing things I can do for myself this weekend…


~ by hourbeforedawn on February 17, 2011.

7 Responses to “Too much!”

  1. That sounds like really good advice. Can’t wait to hear what you end up doing!

    Loving you and praying for you…


  2. I’ve become really good at doing nothing. What you are experiencing is overload. When you try to tackle too much, and you have so many emotions tied around it all, well, you just begin to cave. I agree with your plan. Lay low, and be easy on yourself.

  3. I just checked my email, and saw that we were visiting eachother’s blogs. I feel less alone, and in good company.

  4. I read all your posts, recognizing in your great descriptions all the ups and downs and intensity of the first year of loss. I congratulate you for all you’ve done this year: it’s been a LOT. My recommendations, pick one or more! — massage, yoga class, all day tv/movies at home in your pajamas, warm bath with candles, pedicure, day at your favorite museum. Rooting for you! xo Jill

  5. Hi Hon – practical idea for clothing – go for used…Goodwill or whatever. Your shape is going to change so just go get a few things for now that work so that you are comfortable. Of course, here in Portland – 2nd hand shopping is quite ‘in’…but it something I’ve gotten used to given 18 months of unemp. & being in ‘shape transition’ myself. And one thing about 2nd hand shopping – you can eat up a lot of time searching for stuff (which might be good for you?). Also, I like to cruise the consignment shops for things that are a cut above Goodwill but priced in my range. OK – enough of the practical stuff…love to you!!

  6. Definitely take time to care for yourself. My counsellor told me yesterday that it’s not selfish and it’s not forever, but it is necessary, right now. Have a good weekend. Thinking of you.

  7. yes, ease back on yourself, everything will get taken care of eventually…no need to take on more stress. i like kerstins advice on the thrift shopping idea too 🙂 keep on going lira!

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