The Body Remembers

Well, I survived the first anniversary of Mike’s suicide. I’ve survived a whole damned year. I turned off the phone last night, didn’t set an alarm, let myself sleep until I woke naturally… which was around 9:00. It was almost 10:00 when I finally got out of bed. I felt depressed, heavy, sluggish.

Around 11:30 I powered up my laptop and set to the task of writing about the events of March 3, 2010, beginning with the phone call from the sheriff’s office. I wrote several pages, stream of consciousness, just everything I could recall about that awful day… something I’ve never been able to really let myself remember in too much detail before. Shortly after 1:00 I started to feel strange, physically. My head felt swimmy and I had a strong urge to lie down. I kept on writing. Then I started to feel nauseous and thought I might be sick. I gave in at 1:30, took some Pepto Bismol, and lay down in bed for a nap.

I dozed until around 3:00 and woke up feeling perfectly fine, physically. Emotionally I felt wrung out. I decided to take a shower, then go get some groceries. In the shower, I realized something… though I had to look it up to be sure. The time stamp on Mike’s final email, his suicide note, was 1:20 p.m. That was about the time I started to feel really sick.

“The body remembers.” I’ve heard my support group facilitators say this a number of times. Even when we don’t remember consciously, the body remembers.

Around 5:30 my friend Sheila came over for the evening. We cooked dinner together – oven baked chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans sautéed with garlic – and made a blender of margaritas in Mike’s honor. We ate, drank, and talked for hours. I cried a lot, but I also laughed. When she left, I fell into bed exhausted, thankful just to have gotten through this day.

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~ by hourbeforedawn on March 3, 2011.

2 Responses to “The Body Remembers”

  1. Wow, Lira. An intense day for you. I hope the writing was a good thing, that you feel it’s right now to continue. I’ve been thinking of you, wishing you love and strength, knowing it would be a tough day. So glad to hear you a good friend with you, a good meal, a good drink and a good laugh/cry. Hugs.

  2. I’m so amazed at your body’s memory! Wow – good thing you were home and could do whatever you needed to do. So glad you shared with us about your day. Thank you.

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