Lightness of Being

The last few days I’ve felt… lighter.  The weight of grief and depression has lifted. I had a good time at my friend’s birthday party Saturday night. Sunday I found myself thinking about writing again, mulling over a story idea that’s been on the back burner since before Mike died. I don’t have the energy to actually write it yet, but just the return of the impulse to write is a good sign. The last two days at work, I’ve been smiling more. I feel competent at work, and I realized I haven’t felt that way for a long time.

It’s been this way since Friday afternoon. I think the physical pain of getting the tattoo allowed me to release some of the emotional pain that had been building to an unbearable level. It’s a good thing. None of my usual methods of “venting” had been helping the last few weeks.

I was talking to my mother-in-law on the phone tonight and we were comparing notes about our support group meetings. I mentioned that there are some new widows in my group now, and she asked if I can see a difference between myself and them. A week or two ago, I couldn’t. I felt just as lost, just as hopeless as I did a month after Mike died.

But this week, yeah, I could definitely see the difference. Two of the women were talking about their sleep issues, how they’re lucky to sleep for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night, and I realized: It’s not  like that for me anymore. I still can’t sleep without some kind of sleeping pill, but at least I’m getting a full night’s rest. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can usually just roll over and go back to sleep. That’s a huge improvement from even six months ago, when I was up half the night on a regular basis.

I remember when I first started attending the suicide survivors support group. There were a couple of widows then who were a year or more down the road. I remember hearing them laugh and joke and thinking, “How can they laugh when their husbands are dead?” And then thinking, in a vague, wistful sort of way, “Maybe someday I’ll laugh again too.” I could hardly imagine how that could happen, how I could ever find even a moment of happiness again. But you know what? Now I’m one of the ones in group who can laugh and make a joke, even through my tears, and I suspect the new widows are looking at me and wondering, how can she do that…

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~ by hourbeforedawn on March 8, 2011.

4 Responses to “Lightness of Being”

  1. Each survivor is on a different part of the journey…those a little further along supporting those who are just starting. Perhaps you can now consider yourself one of the “supporters.” Sit with that for a time and see if that fits you. 🙂

    Blessed Be,
    VSD

  2. So glad to see you have this lightness in your life, that your writing is beginning to call to you. Hugs.

  3. Hi Lira

    so glad to read that the heaviness is lifting and you are coming closer to your centre. xxxx

    silvergirl

  4. I totally agree that the pain of a tattoo allows for emotional release…I am so glad you’ve been able to feel lighter…you certainly deserve it!

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