When I began this blog, I made a commitment to keep it up for one year. At the time, only nine days after my husband’s suicide, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that year would bring. I couldn’t bear the thought of living without him for a whole year, and that was part of the reason I committed myself to the blog: It would keep me accountable if I started to feel that life was no longer worth living, if Mike’s final solution started to tempt me. My heart was broken, and I couldn’t imagine that it would ever heal… but I have always turned to writing to understand myself, to make sense of the incomprehensible, to heal. Like a drowning person clinging to a life preserver, I clung to the hope that this blog would somehow help me heal.
I wrote that first post one year ago today. I look back now and am frankly astonished at all that I survived this year. On top of the sudden, devastating loss of my soul mate and dearest love… I also lost the home and family we’d made together, several friends, and my job. I was unemployed and homeless, dependent on family and friends for a place to stay, for seven months. I totalled my car. I’ve struggled with physical health issues as well as depression.
But I found a new car, a new job, a new apartment. With the help of a therapist, a support group, and a wonderful support system of family and friends, I’m healing and I’m building a new life for myself, one step at a time. In the last week, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. I know it’s not THE corner, that the path through grief has lots of twists and turns and often doubles back on itself. I know there are hard times, lots of grieving, lots of tears still ahead. But there are also good times, laughter, moments that make me glad I’m still alive.
It’s no longer my darkest hour. The dawn may be creeping in slowly, and it may take a long time before I stand in the warmth of full sunlight… but I can see the first warm, pink glow tinging the sky and I know that it’s coming.
This will be my last post on The Hour Before Dawn. I’ve done this first leg of my journey very publicly, been very raw and honest and vulnerable. I’ve also been deeply moved to learn that other people on their own dark grief journeys have found comfort and healing in my words. I would like to keep offering that comfort and support, and I may very well be back with a new blog one day. I just know that I need to take some time to focus on my new life, and that it’s time to let The Hour Before Dawn go.
I want to thank everyone who has taken this journey with me, buoyed me with your support and love. I honestly couldn’t have done it without you. If you want to keep in touch, and we don’t already, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to hear from you.
In the words of Pink Floyd, “The time has come, the song is over, thought I’d something more to say…”